Skip to main content

tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 13, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PST

11:30 pm
>> jon: that's our show, it is the end of our 2012 season. i wish you all a merry christmas and happy hanukkah,
11:31 pm
kwanza, season's greetings, honestly, just be saturday. i really don't give a [bleep] what you sell brat. just enjoy yourselves and i very much want to thank wyatt cenac for all the years of great work. (cheers and applause) >> jon: we're going to miss him. in fact, here it is, your moment of cenac. >> beard troubles. >> sure, beard brothers ♪ it's the hardest thing there is to say ♪ ♪ good-bye ♪ good-bye ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central
11:32 pm
( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen. i got to tell you. that is so beautiful. that is so beautiful. i will take that sound. i will take that sound over jingle bells any day. nation, tonight is my last episode before three weeks off. but i'm not looking ahead to the break. i've already started. (cheers and applause)
11:33 pm
>> that is not a prop. whooo! >> there are still some important stories to talk about there, folks. like last night's megaconcert to help the victims of hurricane sandy. >> all eyes were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sexy bag of bones. here we go.
11:34 pm
(cheers and applause) just me and mick. you know, folks, donations are still being accepted. you can help the victims of hurricane sandy with a $10 do facial by texting robin hood to 50555 which i believe is paul mccartney's cell phone. (laughter) now folks, you know me, you know i have had it up to here with this imperial presidency. the arrogance of getting re-elected by running on a platform that voters find appealing sickens mement and now, and now folks, get ready for this, lady michelle antoinette.
11:35 pm
has abused her power yet again. >> oh, the perks of being first lady michelle obama is a self-professed downton abbey fan. she could not bear waiting until january 6th for the new season to begin so she asked the british filmmakers for a copy now. she got it. >> stephen: oh, yes, cup cup, fetch me the downtons. now, meanwhile we commoners are left to fear what will become of downton as it lurches it into the roaring '20s, will lord grantham accept labbee cybil's child with branson. will they stay in prison forth murder of his ex-wife. will they accept a marriage proposal from a young corporal hitler? (laughter) so many questions! she knows the answers. but we don't. until the season premier on january 6th. well, tonight folks, i strike back at her highness. by presenting you, my nation,
11:36 pm
with something not even michelle has seen. part of the show vince gilligan has agreed to let me show you scenes from the upcoming season of breaking bad. (cheers and applause) as performed by the men of downton abbey. (laughter) james? (laughter) thomas? >> lord grantham is growing
11:37 pm
impatient. it's time to start. >> right you are, allow me to bring the mobile lab. there we go, mr. johnson. >> thank you. it's a shame that in order to save downton abbey lord grantham has sunk to brewing the black came cheil crank. >> stop being so high and mighty. the village tea twikers can't get enough of it, earl blue, they think it is the chiz el miz el. carson, thomas, hurry up with that batch. i promised to buy the product and a gentleman keeps his word. or one has a cap popped in one's as. >> soon downton will be connecting it with mad bitches and benjamins. (cheers and applause)
11:38 pm
im. >> yo, you got something in mind. >> carson, is someone addressing me? sorry. >> my lord, a mr. spider to see you. >> ah, yes, what can i do for you pie good man? >> listen, english muffin, where's my [bleep] tea. >> thomas, (applause)
11:39 pm
i'll take that [bleep] with some milk. >> naturally. once we have been reimbursed for our efforts. >> an why should i pay you, mary pop ins. i already got 9 receipts me. >> who gave you the recipe? >> i must have gotten it from mr. bates. i told you unreliable. >> but i never gave bates the recipe. >> no, wait. (cheers and applause) >> congratulations, my lord. are you now the key kingpin of your chair. >> yes, but it's a mixed blessing. as byron once said, mo money, mo quandaries. >> carson you dropped
11:40 pm
something. >> i can explain, my lord. >> you mother [bleep] (laughter) >> stephen: all for you, nation, all for you. and tune in next time when brian cranston will reenact scenes from malcolm in the middle. that going to be crazy!
11:41 pm
11:42 pm
11:43 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. nation, you know as we say good-bye to 2012 i'm going to take a moment here to bid a fon fair well to someone we lost this year. ham rove, ham was chief strategist and principal lunch metaphor colbert super pac. then last month tragedy struck when he fell repeatedly on to a knife that i was holding. before we could get him to a took tore he was eaten by a dog. i can't tell you how much ham meant to me. well, technically coy but it's a super pac so legally i don't have to. just like i don't have to tell you where the 773,704.83 of super pac money went. i just hope and pray they're
11:44 pm
both in a better place now. well that brings me to this letter that i received from a group calling itself the ham rove memorial fund, which i was surprised to learn i am on the board of. now in the letter that i sent to me it says that the fund was founded to honor ham's memory with charitable gifts. and recently the fund received an anonymous donation of $773,704.83. now where did that specific amount of cash come from? well, it is a its it came from po box bite me. (laughter) now as a board member i wanted that money to go to unicef. unfortunately the rest of the board found out that unicef is the name of my yacht. (laughter) keep collecting those pennies, kids. so instead tonight i'm proud and somewhat shocked to announce that the ham rove
11:45 pm
memorial foundation will be giving $125,000 each to donners choose sandy relief fund team rubicon sandy outreach and habitat for humanity which is building houses for storm victims. the fund is also giving $125,000 to the yellow ribbon fund which helps injured service members and their family, the remainder of the money as per ham rove's wishes will be split between the center for responsive politics and the campaign legal center. now you might wonder why ham rove, the brains and other organ needs behind my super pac would donate to groups fighting for campaign-finance reform. well, there are some strings attached. ham stipulated that the two groups get the money only if they named the conference room at the centre for responsive politics the colbert super pac memorial conference room and in the
11:46 pm
campaign legal center they will now hold their meetings in the ham rove memorial conference room. (cheers and applause) and folks, just think. as the tidal wave of money continues to engulf politics and these advocates for transparency are moaning about how powerless they are to stop it, little ham here will be up on that wall watching the whole thing unfold with relish. and maybe a little dijon. but alas it is time to say good-bye to our hero. so don't be sad, nation. there will always be a little bit of ham rove in our hearts and also around our hearts. (laughter) we'll be right back.
11:47 pm
11:48 pm
11:49 pm
is an welcome back, my guest san advocate for the poor. please welcome sister simone campbell. (cheers and applause) hello, thank you so much for coming back. good to see you. >> thank you, good to see you. >> now sister you were here once before. >> that's right. >> during the campaign. you and your fellow or sistronuns got on a bus watch. did you call this bus. >> nunns on the bus. >> it was an obvious cois.
11:50 pm
>> could have been nuns on a helicopter,. >> we couldn't afford that. >> okay. >> we are a low budget operation. >> that is because are you advocating for the poor. >> that's right. >> stephen: if you advocate for rich people you get a private jet. >> but we don't stand with jesus if that happens. >> jon: what are you talking about, jesus wants me to prosper. >> but jesus invite you to the major, to the side of the poor. >> stephen: hold it right there, nunsy, hold it right there okay. stop stampeding me with your appeal to the jesus it is christmastime. >> it is. >> stephen: why do we have to talk about the poor. keep it light it is a happy time of the year. >> that's exactly what jess sus all about. >> stephen: what are you-- he didn't even have a home. christmas is about presents! and the wois men they bring gold, frankin sense and myrrh. the gold is jewelry and the frankincense say like a gift certificate to yank yee candle. >> and the rich people came to jesus and left their gifts in the stable. that is the whole idea.
11:51 pm
it is that we've got to share with idea. that's what it is about. >> stephen: okay, okay so, this is your idea, sharing with each other. >> well, it's not mine. >> stephen: it's lenin's idea, carl max's idea, i done mean john lenon, okay. now you have been named the atlantic, one of the brave thinkers of 2012. >> wasn't that surprising. that was great. >> stephen: it was kind of brave, because i will tell you why. because you publicly disagreed with the pope over contraception and all male priesthood. >> i think what we've done is we tried to lift up in a plurallistic culture what jesus's story is about. and that's the challenge. trying to figure out in a plul aristic culture how all of us coming to. you know where it ends up coming together. it's 9 constitution. that's the piece that comes together. >> stephen: because jesus wrote the constitution. >> no. but-- . >> stephen: that's what i believe, that's what i believe. >> really in is oh my gosh. but really it's all about the fact that we are a very diverse society, until everybody's conscience needs
11:52 pm
to be respected. >> stephen: let me ask you somethingment how i do even know you're a nun? okay. because you don't have the thing on. >> i know, you about i have my metal on. it says-- . >> stephen: is that your nun badge. >> it's my nun badge. >> stephen: do you pull that out and say okay, i'm a nun. >> on the bus it, wod really well. >> stephen: is this a victory lap for you because you guys went gunning for paul ryan, because he said his budget was informed by his faith. and you harassed that poor man. >> no, we stood with our burb ops and said it failed the basic moral test. but you know what, that fight is not over. he continues to maintain it's the way forward. and he's wrong. >> stephen: he already lost. what more, dow want to rub his nose in it? no, no, no (cheers and applause) >> but he's still fighting the budget battle. right now in washington they are trying to say that the only way forward is to cut program force people in poverty. they would want to leave jesus even out of the manager that is unacceptable. >> jon: . >> stephen: jesus chose to
11:53 pm
poor. hold on. jesus chose to be poor. he is the god of all creation, true. >> because-- . >> stephen: wait, wait, answer the question, senator, answer the question. did he choose to be poor. >> yes, because he-- in a relationship with people. >> stephen: is jesus an example for off us. i believe that poor people are choosing to be poor. >> no, it's all about inviting to you touch the pain of the world as real. and then have an active experience of hope. as long as we stay sealed up in our cells we will never know. >> stephen: but if i'm sealed fup myself i can seal all my money in with me. >> but it doesn't last, that's jesus's word. it doesn't last. jess sus all about come, be community, be connected. be connected with each other. and that's why the shepherds came to the stable. the maji came, everyone comes and then we are community. but we have to let go of holding on to our stuff to hold hands with each other. >> stephen: will you hold hands with me? sister simone campbell. we'll be right back. t"48fp>4
11:54 pm
11:55 pm
11:56 pm
11:57 pm
test. >> stephen: well, that's it for the report, everybody, and that's it for the year. we wrote a book, held a music festival, passed a thousand shows, rigged our campaign finance system. (laughter) >> stephen: ran for president. was named a senator. (cheers and applause) before we go i want to thank you all for watching. i want to thank everyone without reports the report and makes this show possible. now it's time to close out the career with the best way
11:58 pm
we can think of. with jeff tweedy, mavis staples, sean lennon and the harlem gospel choir. merry christmas, everybody! (cheers and applause) ♪ and so this is christmas ♪ and what have you done ♪ another year's over ♪ and a new one's begun ♪ so this is christmas ♪ we hope you have fun ♪ near and the dear ones ♪ old and the young ♪ a merry merry christmas ♪ and a happy new year ♪ let's hope it's a good one ♪
11:59 pm
♪ without any fear ♪ and so this is christmas ♪ for weak and for strong ♪ for rich and for poor ones ♪ ♪ the road is so long ♪ so happy christmas ♪ ♪ if you want it ♪ gathering red ones ♪ ♪ a very merry christmas ♪ and a happy new year ♪ let's hope it's a good one ♪ ♪


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on